Şehîd Gulbahar Gulhat was a young women from Elih, North-Kurdistan, who joined the ranks of the Guerilla in 1991 when she was 13 years old. After five years living in the mountains of Kurdistan she went to the Academy of Rêber Apo (Abdullah Öcalan) in Damaskus, Syria. After seeing education at the Academy she returned to the mountains, and fought with great passion and courage until her martyrdom in 2007 in the mountains of Gabar. In this text she talks about her experience with Rêber Apo, and the impact that he made on her.
In this moment, when I am sharing my memory with Rêber Apo (Abdullah Öcalan), different feelings are developing in my heart and mind. Maybe I am not able to speak about every moment, but as far as I can, I will share these moments that I have lived in the most natural way.
It was 1996 when I went to the Academy of Rêber Apo. I was amazed when I saw Rêber Apo for the first time. Because the hegemonic system had always created a picture of a violent leader in our minds, I too had dreamed Rêber Apo very different. So how a leader is in the power system, I also dreamed Rêber Apo to be like this. This is why when I saw Rêber Apo for the first time, I was very surprised. Indeed, Rêber Apo was very humble. When Rêber Apo welcomed us I saw the difference between Rêber Apo and the despotic leaders I had imagined for years. When Rêber Apo said; “Friends, let’s get up and go eat some food.” Then I said to myself “Am I dreaming?”. From Rêber Apo’s eyes sparkled such a love that it brought me into a special excitement and enthusiasm. When Rêber Apo held the meetings and discussions for comrades who will go to the mountains, you saw in his eyes how much it affected him. When Rêber Apo used to ask questions to each one of us, he saw how emotional and overwhelmed we got, and on that basis he shared his analysis and thoughts about us. At that time I was thinking a lot and I said to myself; “How does Rêber Apo understand our views and emotions so fast?”. I was very impressed by Rêber Apo’s approaches, humbleness and awakeness. When Rêber Apo analysed the first day of education, his method to understand personalities really caught my interest. At that time I had inner conflicts. Some comrades who came to the mountains having spent time with Rêber Apo, used the name of Rêber Apo for their own interests. They had a life and an approach that was not fitting that of a cadre. But I see now that Rêber Apo’s approaches towards cadres are not like this. At that time I told myself, what naive people we are, we do believe everyone. At that moment Rêber Apo asked me: “Comrade what do you think?”. I shared the conflicts in my mind with Rêber Apo. Rêber Apo told me: “Indeed bravo, in such a short amount of time, you saw these realities, very good.”
When I played football with Rêber Apo I realized that one must be very self-controlled and disciplined. because when we played football, for Rêber Apo, it was not a game, but a war. In this way, he analysed and tested our personalities, to see how active, initiative and careful we were. He was also criticizing our style of giving orders. I also noticed through that game, how small mistakes are not something easy. Rêber Apo always told us: “Believe in yourself in everything you do”.
When we played foodball Rêber Apo suddenly shouted and said: “Comrade, be careful, you were close to stepping on an ant. Take that ant away from here”. I was so surprised at that moment, I asked myself how Rêber Apo saw that ant. I noticed Rêber Apo’s higher awareness towards the surrounding and the life. This awareness of animals meant that I got really angry against our approaches towards animals.
Of course, there were many things that caught my attention and influenced me in Rêber Apo’s personality. For example, Rêber Apo’s style of education was very different. In Rêber Apo’s way of life, even a very small approach was a subject of education. He deeply instilled in people the need to educate themselves. As a result, people naturally saw the need to educate themselves.
I was very young then, so I was very feudal and closed. In order to overcome this feudalism, Rêber Apo educated me in very different ways. At times, he used different methods to change me. For example, one day Rêber Apo was playing football, and I brought him a bottle of water. Rêber Apo, in the midst of so many comrades, opened the bottle of water and poured it on my head. I was so angry that I couldn’t say a word and I turned red. I was very affected and my pride was very broken. After this moment, Rêber Apo called me and discussed with me. He said to me, “Don’t get me wrong, I am criticizing you this heavily and pushing you for your development “. You are young, brave, beautiful and hardworking. However, some of your characteristics are getting in the way. This is especially the case with conservatism. Feudalism was necessary for you until a certain point, because you lacked knowledge, you protected yourself with these approaches. But from now on, this is no longer necessary. I gave you knowledge, you developed, and now I am giving you a mission. You are open to developing, and I won’t let this characteristic suffocate you. You are the most beautiful women in the world. I educate, beautify, and liberate you. Even if you will give up, I will never give up. Because I have devoted all my time to women’s freedom. But most of you don’t know that.”
Rêber Apo always called me “Gênco” , that is, the young. When Rêber Apo called me the young Gulbahar, I was very happy.
When I went new to Rêber Apo, I could not read and write. Rêber Apo told me, “I will teach you to read and write”. When Rêber Apo saw that I had learned to write a bit, he gave me a text and said, “Work on it, you will read it out loud to us in the morning”. I worked on it, but I said to myself that Rêber Apo would forget it because he had a lot of work to do. When we went to education the next day, Rêber Apo called me and asked me to read. I read that text at least ten times. I was so excited and I sweated a lot. Rêber Apo commented to me, ‘When someone learns something new, if he or she is not sweating for it, they don’t know its value. You sweated for this text, and I hope you won’t stop learning. From that day on, learning to read and write became my greatest ambition. I was deeply affected by this incident. Because I saw that there is nothing you cannot learn in the life of PKK, if you only have a will and an effort.
One day we went to the football ground again. After the two teams were made, we started playing. Every time a comrade was going to Rêber Apo’s legs to take the ball. And every time I was also taking the ball back from him. Rêber Apo saw that I got really angry with this comrade. This is why he came to me and said; “People can provoke you very easily and you are fighting with pride. True, people should not accept to lose or to be unorganized, but not as you being blind. I do not accept this blindness. I am surprised, how you have not been martyred in the war until now. These words from Rêber Apo took my morale and I could no longer play. So Rêber Apo told me; “Go shoot the ball.” I went and I shot a goal. Rêber Apo told me; “It’s very good to believe in yourself. You should organize and practise this feature. For a woman these are pleasant qualities. “
I was very impacted. I said to myself how did Rêber Apo make me reflect so much, with a football. After that I started a deep reflection. When I was supposed to go to the the mountains, Rêber Apo told me; “Nothing can influence you because you are very headstrong. But you need to make war against your feudal characteristics, your exaggerated pride and your blindness. If you do not struggle with them, they will bring you into many difficulties. Don’t fall Martyr so fast. I can never accept, comrades who see so much education here and go to the mountains and fall Martyr fast. When I hear the news of a martyrdom, it hurts me a lot. Every time a part of my soul goes. Don’t be egoistic and also think of me. I educate you to live and create life.” As the hour of saying goodbye approached, I cried a lot. I hugged Rêber Apo and tears ran out of my eyes. Rêber Apo told me; “What happened? It seems like you think that we will be separated from each other”. For around five minutes I laid my head on the shoulder of Rêber Apo, Rêber Apo just laughed and talked. But until we left the tears didn’t stop coming out of my eyes.
Truly, there are many things you can say. But the ones that I can say for now are these. Indeed my heart burns. Now, I think about how much I was worthy of the reality of Rêber Apo. I didn’t participate in the way that he expected me to.. For this I now give effort to complete and finish the things I did by half.
When I came to the mountains, I was confronted with all the positive and negative evaluations that Rêber Apo gave me. So, I gave a very strong struggle so that I could overcome my shortcomings. Now my greatest hope is to see Rêber Apo once again and embrace him with my heart.
